Last updated on December 28th, 2023
Need a break from nursing? Read these random funny quotes for nurses to light up the mood.
As we know, being a nurse or nursing student is mentally and physically draining. No matter how rewarding it is to be a nurse, we all need a break to release the stress and recharge.
A good laugh releases endorphins, reduces stress, lowers your blood pressure, and burns the calories.
So enjoy these 81 funny quotes, get laughing, and light up the day.
— Author Unknown
“I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug”
— Author Unknown
“I’m great in bed… I can sleep for days”
— Author Unknown
— Steve Pavlina
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket”
— Will Rogers
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, whatever you hit, call it the target”
— Oscar Wilde
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat”
— Jim Davis
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button”
— Sam Levenson
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments”
— Earl Wilson
“Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face”
— Author Unknown
“It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road”
— Yogi Berra
“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun?”
— Maugles
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody”
— Bill Cosby
“They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?”
— Author Unknown
“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police”
— Author Unknown
“Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position”
— Christopher Marlowe
“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one”
— Bill Gates
“When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him… Everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people”
— Author Unknown
“Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions! What a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!”
— Author Unknown
“Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously, a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas”
— Author Unknown
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives”
— Sue Murphy
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it”
— Bob Hope
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t”
— Author Unknown
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized”
— Fred Allen
“If you win, you need not have to explain. If you lose, you should not be there to explain”
— Adolf Hitler
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died”
— Erma Bombeck
“I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches”
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary”
— Mark Twain
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them”
— J. O’Rourke
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things”
— Jilly Cooper
“A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol”
— Dylan Wimberley
“Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side”
— Author unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid”
— Mark Twain
“I don’t think inside the box, I don’t think outside the box, I don’t even know where the box is!”
— Scott Douglas Chase
“I just found human hairs in my McDonald’s burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?”
— Author Unknown
“The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1”
— Author Unknown
“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories”
— John Wilmot
“There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature, it comes in attractive containers, and the cat can’t get it”
— Irena Chalmers
“Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?”
— Author Unknown
“If you can’t get people to listen, tell them it’s confidential!”
— Author Unknown
“One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth shut”
— Author Unknown
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples”
— George Burns
“Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway”
— Amelia walker
“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers”
— Author Unknown
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”
— Lily Tomlin
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure”
— Mark Twain
“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life”
— George Carlin
“There is little chance that meteorologists can solve the mysteries of weather until they gain an understanding of the mutual attraction of rain and weekends”
— Arnot Sheppard
“Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep”
— Fran Lebowitz
“A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase”
— Author Unknown
“It’s easier to apologize than ask for permission”
— Author Unknown
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time”
— Winston Pendelton
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me…”
— Dave Barry
“Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide…”
— Woodrow Wilson
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired…”
— Jules Renard
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone…”
— Reba McEntire
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else…”
— Margaret Mead
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know…”
— W. H. Auden
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else…”
— Will Rogers
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late…”
— Henny Youngman
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar…”
— Abraham Lincoln
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes…”
— Jim Carrey
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder”
— Steven Wright
“Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity…”
— Thor Heyerdahl
“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese…”
— Luis Bunuel
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out…”
— Richard Dawkins
“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave…”
— Wilson Mizner
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone…”
— Anthony Burges
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