81 Funny Quotes to Light up Nurses

Need a break from nursing? Read these random funny quotes for nurses to light up the mood.

As we know, being a nurse or nursing student is mentally and physically draining. No matter how rewarding it is to be a nurse, we all need a break to release the stress and recharge.

A good laugh releases endorphins, reduces stress, lowers your blood pressure, and burns the calories.

So enjoy these 81 funny quotes, get laughing, and light up the day.

— Author Unknown

“I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug”

— Author Unknown

“I’m great in bed… I can sleep for days”

— Author Unknown


— Steve Pavlina

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket”

— Will Rogers

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, whatever you hit, call it the target”

— Oscar Wilde

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

— Oscar Wilde

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat”

— Jim Davis

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button”

— Sam Levenson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments”

— Earl Wilson

“Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face”

— Author Unknown

“It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road”

— Yogi Berra

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun?”

— Maugles

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody”

— Bill Cosby

“They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?”

— Author Unknown

“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police”

— Author Unknown

“Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position”

— Christopher Marlowe

“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one”

— Bill Gates

“When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him… Everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people”

— Author Unknown

“Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions! What a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!”

— Author Unknown

“Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously, a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas”

— Author Unknown

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives”

— Sue Murphy

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it”

— Bob Hope

“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t”

— Author Unknown

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized”

— Fred Allen

“If you win, you need not have to explain. If you lose, you should not be there to explain”

— Adolf Hitler

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died”

— Erma Bombeck

“I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches”

— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary”

— Mark Twain

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them”

— J. O’Rourke

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things”

— Jilly Cooper

“A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol”

— Dylan Wimberley

“Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side”

— Author unknown

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid”

— Mark Twain

“I don’t think inside the box, I don’t think outside the box, I don’t even know where the box is!”

— Scott Douglas Chase

“I just found human hairs in my McDonald’s burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?”

— Author Unknown

“The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1”

— Author Unknown

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories”

— John Wilmot

“There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature, it comes in attractive containers, and the cat can’t get it”

— Irena Chalmers

“Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?”

— Author Unknown

“If you can’t get people to listen, tell them it’s confidential!”

— Author Unknown

“One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth shut”

— Author Unknown

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples”

— George Burns

“Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway”

— Amelia walker

“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers”

— Author Unknown

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”

— Lily Tomlin

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure”

— Mark Twain

“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life”

— George Carlin

“There is little chance that meteorologists can solve the mysteries of weather until they gain an understanding of the mutual attraction of rain and weekends”

— Arnot Sheppard

“Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep”

— Fran Lebowitz

“A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase”

— Author Unknown

“It’s easier to apologize than ask for permission”

— Author Unknown

“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time”

— Winston Pendelton

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me…”

— Dave Barry

“Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide…”

— Woodrow Wilson

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired…”

— Jules Renard

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone…”

— Reba McEntire

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else…”

— Margaret Mead

“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know…”

— W. H. Auden

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else…”

— Will Rogers

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late…”

— Henny Youngman

“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar…”

— Abraham Lincoln

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes…”

— Jim Carrey

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder”

— Steven Wright


“Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity…”

— Thor Heyerdahl

“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese…”

— Luis Bunuel

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out…”

— Richard Dawkins

“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave…”

— Wilson Mizner

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone…”

— Anthony Burges

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